Dimmed lights. Bar atmosphere. Poets slamming. Words being spoken from the heart.
A great night, except for one thing.
My honesty was off.
In this event the best poet was chosen by the audience. Each person had a laminated (or not so laminated) piece of paper in their hand and got to vote on whether they liked a piece by raising their card. I found generally the poets were on point. A few I had to leave the card down for, but there were so much good words spoken. However my problem wasn't approving of good poems. It was the pressure to raise my card when people spoke things which in my heart I didn't find inspiring at all.
My reactions could be classified in 3 categories.
1. I didn't want to look like I was hating on someone's piece because I wanted to win. I wanted to look good to others, uncompetitive and ultimately have the heart that I felt a 'Christian should have', one of positivity, approval and encouragement. In other words I wanted to put on a facade.
2. I didn't want to look like the only one in my table who didn't approve of a poem everybody else liked. In my natural instinct I wanted to go with the crowd.
3. I didn't want to look bad in front of someone who'd just done a poem by choosing to leave my card down, especially if we knew each other on some level and they were looking in my direction as the voting was going on. My natural desire was to please people, even if that meant lying.
Now all of these reasons are really rubbish excuses for not speaking the truth. A Christian's life involves encouraging others but also includes reproof and disapproval sometimes when people promote or do things God does not find pleasure in. This can be called 'hating what God hates'. Natural instincts will always be easier, but they never bear fruit in the end.
In the final round there was one particular poem I couldn't find a reason to vote for, no matter how I tried to reconcile it in my head. This poem spoke of a sense of empowerment, but was more rooted in pride and ego than acknowledgement of truth. In my head I said 'I don't like this poem so I won't vote for it', but when the pressure came I once again bowed to the people pleasing.
I felt God quietly rebuke me about not being bold enough to leave my card down once again for a poem which I wasn't inspired by. He showed me the effect of that one vote. The host in the end said I came second and lost by one or two votes. The person who won was the one I hesitantly voted for. God also reminded me of the words spoken in the poem I recited to end that night. It ended with the lines....
And I'm a culprit also when I fail to bring the brightness__________________________________________________________
God empowers me to speak but still I find I'm quiet
Tears fall as the misery increases
But the prophets mouth is silent, it's silent.
Tears fall as the misery increases
But the prophets mouth is silent, it's silent.....
I recently had a dream where I was in a football match and I was playing against someone I knew from school days. He was encouraging me to play for a stalemate or to allow his side to win because he was in a bad place. In feeling sorry for him and through doing this I thought, 'I may be able to bring him closer to the Lord'. Therefore we played for a stalemate and whenever I would play in a certain way he would wrench me in my private parts making me bow once again to a sense of allowing him to have his way. In the end however I wised up to what he was doing. Me and my team no longer played the game for a stalemate or a loss in order to draw him close. We played to win.
When we scored a goal he shouted at me, 'You're supposed to be playing for the good of my team because of what I'm going through'. At that point I said to him, 'You know what, you are evil', finally seeing him for who he was and for what he was doing. I realised this was a game that would make no sense if we did not play to win. It was that important.
This struggle of light against darkness is also important. God is showing me that as well as speaking truth, I must be careful not to validate the lie through careless approval or passivity. This is a game which must be played to win.
