You get glory in the midst of this, and you're walking with me. And you say I am blessed because of this, so I choose to believe. As I carry this cross, you'll carry me.....
Audrey Assad
I dunno what to say really. God has been
faithful. He's honestly carried me through the last two years. I've written of
my experiences throughout the last few years but I've never quite saw it in the
light of what he's done till today.
The last two years in a summary has been God
teaching me about his grace and sustaining power despite my mistakes and
disobedience. It's been about him showing me my frailties, prides and
weaknesses whilst also showing me that he's still in the work of
redeeming.
It started with a call to go to London. This was
the word I was given....
I want you to go to London. I don't want
you to be involved in secular work no matter what kind it is. I want you to be
a full time evangelist for me. I want you to go.
So what do you do when God gives you a word like
that? You go of course. And that's what I did. On a cold October evening I
found myself in London with my suitcase, a word, and nowhere to stay. My dad
allowed me to go, but my mom was staunch against me leaving. However I went
anyway (Later on God told me my error was in my dishonour. No matter how
honourable my intentions of serving him, I should have honoured my
mother).
As I reached, I told some friends what God had
told me. During my first weeks I did some sofa surfing, and rode the bus one
night sleeping on the back seats. I had a night of going to my former uni and
sleeping on waiting area chairs and spent time walking about wandering what was
gonna happen to me. A Somali man came up to me one night and gave me some
encouragement to push to get out of this lifestyle after seeing me ride the
buses and his words seemed like the words of an angel to me. I looked at him,
saw him leave then followed him desiring to share the gospel with him. Then I
stopped short thinking, 'Look at my situation. How could I share the gospel
with anyone at this point and them take me seriously’. I seemed to have lost
all credibility in my own eyes, so I turned back ashamed.
During that time some friends put me up but I
knew I was trying their patience, so I moved on. Some wished me well, hoping I
found some accommodation whilst unwilling to put me up themselves. Some put me
up, waiting for me to move on. It was easy to tell people's hearts though with
their words they did not say much. Others I was afraid to ask. I didn't want
them to see my shame. Things were like this for a while until I found a man who
I paid a little money upfront and rented a room in his house. So for a month I
lived like this, claiming JSA, housing benefit and getting a commission job to
try and tide me over. The problem was the job wasn't paying. And I was slowly
getting conviction about the word God had given me.
My issue was I felt I was scraping at the barrel
just trying to survive. I also forgot about doing the full time evangelist
stuff. I said 'God won't mind if I get a job with a Christian organisation.
Maybe that's what he meant by the word. So I'll get such a job and do
evangelism on the side. That'll be OK'. But at the back of my mind I knew I was
reinterpreting God's word to me to save my own skin. At a point I gave up my
JSA because I didn't feel I was able to comply with the conditions. I wasn't
available to do any kind of work. God had given me a specific word. So at this
point I did my best to live on my savings of £7 a week, food and travel
included.
At a point I knew God was telling me to give up
all I had in my bank and he would provide for me. I said if I do this, how
would I survive? I thought this over for quite a while with dread, and then
decided not to do it. The thought of having absolutely nothing and being thrown
out on the street absolutely terrified me, and because of that I discarded
God's voice and tried to survive on what I had. Within two months all the money
I fought so hard to keep had disappeared. And I had nothing.
I was still going to church 12 miles away but
barely. I had no money to get there, trying to fulfil my religious obligations
and also what I believed God wanted me to do which was not be on JSA and
evangelise. But soon I lost the willpower to even do that, and the
strength.
I now ended up hopeless to do what God had called
me to do, and turned my attention to the commission job and the far away
benefits of a millionaire's lifestyle which it seemed to promise me if I became
good at it. Money seemed like my salvation, so my mind turned to my idols,
whose names were comfort and worldly riches. Through wilful disobedience, I
felt God was no longer there to help. I called his name and claimed I lived to
do his will, but in reality I was chasing comfort with the thought of being able
to do his will after I had it, a lifestyle which God does not honour. Those who
are disobedient in order to get into a position to do God's will will never be
trusted or honoured with God's presence and direction once they get
there.
Thankfully God had mercy on me. In one more
effort, on New Years’ Day 2011 I felt God said to me (I paraphrase)
You are not in my perfect will. You're not
doing what I asked you to do. Either do what I've asked you to do or forget it.
At that point I knew what he was talking about. I
knew what I had to do and soon I was on the phone to my boss. After quitting my
commission work, I went back to full time evangelism. I told those at my church
what I was gonna do, and that I had quit the job. Some warned me about people
who have ended up as nothing following their own way trying to establish
positions for themselves. Honestly I thought nothing of titles and the sort,
but I can't lie and say I wasn't desirous of vainglory. God knows I was in
error, but that was my heart. The pastor was unhappy I had not consulted him
beforehand and subsequently I was subjected to much ridicule from the pulpit. I
eventually brushed it off and continued on. I admit that in all my humiliation,
I was still quite proud. It causes me to identify completely with Joseph the
dreamer. I was a young, boastful irritant to my brethren and those in positions
of authority over me. However as time went on, things have started to change as
I’ve gone through my experiences, as they did with Joseph.
I've mentioned what happened after these events
in previous posts such as The way God works and Being changed. In fact all my blog entries seem to piece
together in some kind of weird way. It reminds me of the scripture quoted
below...
And we know that for those who love God all
things work together for good, for those who are called according to his
purpose.
- Romans 8:28
Stay Blessed
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