Heart line..

'I put my heart on the line for you, My heart on the line for you...'  

                                                   - Craig David

Once again, back is the incredible.. Lol.
Hey people :). I wanted to talk about love..

Now this is not one of those soppy emotionally driven posts about finding the one (lol though I know some of y'all wouldn't mind that). This is mainly a post to share what's been on my mind. About a week and a half back I put up a status on my facebook asking 'How do you know if you love someone?'. 

Fresh from a trip to go see a friend I was taken aback when they told me they loved me and I was trying to figure it out. I mean this person was someone I'd known for a while, but in certain ways we hardly knew each other. So this made me think, can that profession be legitimate? Can I love someone I'm in the early stages of really getting to know?

Now most of the people who really know me, and even those that don't, know I get my direction from my faith and that I try to walk inspired by the words God gives. As I've been reading I've been noticing a lot lately that in the Bible there's more than one occasion where someone 'loved' someone within minutes of meeting them. 

Now love at first sight.. is that a thing?
Well I think it may well be possible.

When I asked this question last week someone described the symptoms of love in the following manner..

...you have a connection based on shared experience, you feel like 'you get them' and want to see them thrive, you have empathy and compassion for them, affection, kindness, respect, etc. It's cultivated over time if there's a mutual willingness to be authentic and to grow together...

In the end I realised it was not so in the case with the friend mentioned, though on my part I think a seed of love was there. I mean, I genuinely did sense all of those things and sought growth for this potential partner. I think love is greater than romantic feelings, but all true romantic feelings that will last will be built on a foundation of true love, as long as it is present. Love grows, but the truth is, the seed of it must always be present beforehand.

With God's help, we can grow and mature into all we're meant to be. But as we do, let us not forget to mature in love..

Unleashing the voice..

So, I'm back.
Funny this is the second time in a month. Wonder what's happening to me. It's beautiful I guess when the writing bug comes to say hello..

I have been all over the place in the last week, both physically and internally. Busking and freestyling have become parts of the 'things that I do', and since starting I've been steadily progressing with my new found passions. This has brought me to Ladbroke Grove, Harlesden and Shepherd's Bush, attempting to share some of what I've been gifted with.

To be honest, the feeling is quite liberating. The last time I did anything like this was when I used to do street preaching a good 7 years back. I feel the gift I have seems to have been repackaged, but the heart remains the same.

From early, God has placed in me a desire to connect with the human heart and so now I use my music to fulfill that desire. Everything I do and study tends to come from that place of connecting.

Today I was watching some clips from the last of Obama's white house correspondent dinners. This was interesting as I tend not to watch Obama talk so often. When he was president I never watched a speech, never read an article he wrote and the only thing I remember hearing from him was that address he made after they killed Bin Laden.

Not that I wasn't interested but, to put it plainly in hearing the general overview and seeing some of the things he said while on the election trail, I had no respect for the man and didn't really wanna get caught up in the hype..

I know.. shocking.. :-o

But anyway, in watching this I learned a lot, simply through seeing the charisma the man speaks and moves with. I mean it's documented, but I feel you can do a lot with charisma, with lightheartedness, and with a thirst to see things change.

At the moment I'm learning a lot about  what is needed for my own voice to break through. I'm learning from people I can get with and people I can't really get with, because the truth is, no matter who you are, people draw to people often because of something they have.

Whether that thing be charisma, freestyle ability, the ability to dream big or outright confidence, attraction is the key, and these things often open up the door for conversation.

And I tell you, make friends for yourselves by means of unrighteous wealth, so that when it fails they may receive you into the eternal dwellings 

(Luke 16 vs 9) 

We all have things which will only serve us in this world. Things which we can use to build relationships

Let's work with and work on what we've been given. Even if it's not for ourselves it's worth the trouble, as you never know. Someone's future may depend on it..

Taking stock..

Hey guys,

Really don't know if anyone is following anymore. I've been ghost for a minute.
Today also may be more a bible study than anything else but I need to go through..

The last piece I wrote on here was a poem after my cousin died. Something that helped me get through it. You see, writing helps me get through. Sometimes I forget that.

Writing helps me to resolve issues of the mind that are perplexing me. It helps me make sense of life. For some understanding comes through speaking things out. For me it's more writing them down.

Many things have challenged me, and I often think how much have I grown in the time since I last wrote. Sure I've moved higher and further on in my music and grown in my barbering skills but spiritually I wonder honestly how far I've advanced.

In ways I guess spiritual growth is similar to physical growth. Often by looking at ourselves in the now, we can't tell if we've grown and can get discouraged. But when looking at old pictures or talking to people who knew us in a previous stage of life, we can begin to understand where we are now compared to where we used to be. With God levels are different also, as he measures growth in a totally different way to us.

In the Bible, when speaking of growth God often talks about virtue. In the process of spiritual growth, becoming virtuous is important. But what is virtue?

In the dictionary, virtue is behaviour showing high moral standards. 

Yesterday I was speaking with someone I know about friends with faith who don't seem to live this faith out. A cognitive dissonance of sorts. Where we profess one thing, yet live to a standard which can seem quite out of line with our beliefs.

Sure faith is the foundation but once we have grown in faith, our moral standard must begin to match up.

'For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge..' - 2 Peter 1:5

Our moral excellence must then be added to by a knowledge that is based on experience. In other words to cement virtue, we have to gain some practical experience in living it out.

Through this, our faith begins to be built on deeper foundations. Through choosing to be virtuous in normal and testing times we begin to live a life of moral excellence, by it being ingrained into us through our constant practice of it. We also start to know what virtue is for real, because we experience a God who constantly lives it out toward us.

So in terms of this, have I seen spiritual growth since I've last written? Have I begun to exercise virtue more or am I still at the same place?

Being honest, I'm unsure..

Maybe it's time to take stock..

The sting...

At times the poems stop
Words dry up
Speech can't be found
Death comes, looking for

Peace when the heaviness
Descends from a cloud
Makes struggle seem messy
And hope feel irrelevant

Soul seeming penitent
Bow under now's message
Present it surrounds
The heavens have endowed blessing

Feels like we're just getting by
Forgettin like elephants
We coulda stopped stepping
But the only thing that kept us was

Grace from the lounge steady
Ever praying bretherin
Have asked for us, everything
We have still is heaven sent

Death has taken kin,
And emotions are negative but,
God bless us in our souls
Give us messages of

Life let us win

A matter of love....

Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.

- Peter, the rock

Back again. Did you miss me? :). Just been pondering a couple things and I thought it was time to bring up a very popular topic. Love. 

Not romantic love, though it has it's place. Not love for God though it is the greatest of all things we can experience and reciprocate. But brotherly love.

Recently I read an interview with Michelle Williams on the performance of 'Take my hand, Precious Lord' by Beyonce at this years Grammy's. Her comments were centred on the general Christian reaction and subsequent criticisms of this performance. Now if you ask anyone that knows me, I am not one who is partial to Beyonce's music in the slightest (except maybe some of the early Destiny's child albums where they were so vibrant, so fresh and so... cool). However, one thing which struck me about Michelle's comments were her obvious love for her friend and how she stood in defence of what she saw as critical judgements which had no basis. Her words were, 'I didn't know only certain people could sing gospel'. And the funny thing is, I didn't either. 

Now God calls his people, to in turn call people into the kingdom of God. I don't know where Beyonce is with her spirituality, but I know she has a friend who is seeking the completeness of her heart for Jesus. I'm reminded of the relationship Cece Winans had with Whitney Houston, which caused her to never give up hope that her friend would come fully through. So in the years she gave herself to damaging relationships and battled addiction, in the times the media tarnished her name and many criticised and sidelined her, there was a faithful friend defending, praying for and lifting her up before the only one who could bring true change.

Therefore I'm challenged. I wonder if we would be able to let go of our biases and opinions for just long enough to catch a glimpse of the divine plan. God loved the world didn't he? True, not the spirit which rules within it, but the people that move within it are quite literally those he'd give up everything for.

I guess in the end the main question is not whether people are worthy enough to sing the gospel but if we see all people as worthy enough to have a chance at receiving the gospel. Our answer to this question will determine our love...

Looking forward...

I don't write the first line of a song. It's a mistake, because then you have to come up with the second one. If you write backwards from the chorus line, which is usually the hook, then you usually come up with it.
                                                     - Sting (from the Police)

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards....
                                                    - Steve Jobs


It's an interesting day. Today I'm looking to tomorrow, as tomorrow may be the start of the rest of my life.

A long time ago I wrote a blog about making the decision to say yes to God about celibacy.

For the past year or maybe two, I've been grappling with God about where my desires lie, having desires at times for marriage and at other times for singleness. Living in a world where marriage is the norm it isn't hard to see where my desires came from for the former. Coming from a background of a two parent home and seeing some of my really close friends enter stable relationships and marry during the past year, has inspired me to consider whether that may be my path.

Saying that, it's been a weird process. The thought of, 'how could God be leading me in that direction, when he so very clearly called me to take up celibacy years before' has continually played on my mind. I've had dreams where I've asked God 'Is this for a time', and the response was 'If you can believe, it can be for always'. I've known a peace as I've read scriptures about lifelong singleness and been ready in my heart to walk through such a commitment. Yet in all of this whenever I've sought to vow to a life of singleness, God has been clear in his leading that in terms of a vow of commitment, this is not the road he has for me.

Now I haven't been in a relationship for over 7 years. Sometimes I'm quite content and sometimes not. Throughout this time the only consistency has been God's grace. As with any other young man I've had times where hormones have increased and lust has become an unwanted friend. At times I've thought of pursuing a relationship with women close to me, and even at times others who were very attractive to me, though they had only appeared for a little time.

Sometimes singleness has seemed a burden, while at other times one of the greatest blessings. I remember going to a local park a few months back for a Jazz festival. As I sat back with no cares, just sweet Jazz in my ears and no need to run off anywhere I thought, 'I'm so glad I'm single right now, just to enjoy and bask in this'.

I admit it was a sweet feeling. But I had to realise deep down that life calls me to more than that.

It's nice to be single, not to have cares or responsibilities. But if that's the only reason we choose to be single we're missing something. The reason we're challenged to consider celibacy as a lifelong call is so we can be free to do the Lord's work, not to satisfy our own desires for unburdened freedom.

So now I'm looking to tomorrow. I don't know what tomorrow holds but I know God is in it. I don't know what to say about the past and how I feel about it but I know I have no regrets. For me, singleness was for a time.

A page has turned and it makes me smile. In the last few months God has shown me and others that something new is on the cards and I need to prepare for it. I feel released to move into a time of pursuit and it brings me great joy, especially as the one I'm looking at seems to have my heart, even before tomorrow has come.

What a thought...

Late night lessons...

So on Thursday night I went for a walk cus I felt I needed to talk to God.

A few months back I left a good job in faith, with the knowing that he had something better for me. I also knew he wanted me to do what he had placed on my heart, and that I would not be satisfied until I did. 2 months later, after an interesting Christmas period where I lost a part time job I thought was gonna be my saving grace, and finished at a barbershop where I thought I would grow and flourish I was left jobless, except for the opportunity to go self employed by building clientele.

I've remained in good spirits feeling God would provide, through both blessings and losses.

That night however I hit a low.

I thought of how much of a failure people must think I am, having left my job and having no promise of a future before me.

I felt ashamed that I cared so much about what people thought and couldn't just follow the path and be who he wanted me to be.

I felt myself a fool and a failure and after slipping out a swear word in my frustration I felt 'God, how can you use me. I'm just a man. I have no strength in myself to do this'.

As I was thinking on some of these things I passed an old CofE church. Some guys of another faith were rolling up their weed on the church door step and I passed them by. All of a sudden I got a strong inkling I should go back and talk to them about Jesus.

Now I haven't talked to anyone out of the blue about Jesus in a one on one situation for almost 2 years. Over the past year and a half, stopping random people and entering conversations of faith has become a major challenge for me. I also felt 'God, how could you use me to do that after how I just used my mouth'. But God isn't a respector of persons. He will work with the worst of sinners to reach those he wants to reach. So I said Ok.

Turning back I began a conversation and began to tell them my story. With no objections they listened to all I had to say from his death and it's implications to the changes Christ has personally made in me. And then we shook hands, finished with some small talk and I left.

I never once told them to move from the doorstep, though they thought that was why I had turned back. I just told them about him as he'd told me to. I can't explain the joy that filled me as I walked home. I started to understand why he put me here, and that it was bigger than the barbering, bigger than part time jobs and bigger than the music I do. He wanted me to realise my fulfillment comes through trusting and doing what he's asked me to do. And as long as I keep focused on what he's asked me to do, I won't have to worry about the rest.

God is faithful and if we are willing and obedient, he will put us in the places we need to be and give us the work he wants us to do, all for his honour and glory.

In honouring him we receive his joy, and in this a true servant of Christ will find fulfillment.

#newyearsblessings

Cultural differences...

For the past few months I've been aware of the fact that I'm a minority, whether it be at church at times in terms of race or at poetry shows in terms of faith. This realisation can have its pros as well as its cons. A community where common culture is found, despite pigment or viewpoints, is always a refreshing change. But no matter how we strive for it, it often seems elusive, and as a result culture clashes remain a big issue.

Culture can affect the way a person dresses, how they walk....even down to the jokes they laugh at and the music they listen to. Let me narrate one such occasion where the realisation of culture and ethnic differences became very apparent to me.

Now a couple of months ago, there was a church celebration event which was held in Sheffield. I was off work that day so I decided to rock on by (but knew I would be leaving early as I had a 5am shift the next day). For the past weeks preceding this event, I had become a lot more aware of the fact that I had grown up in a very different culture to those I reside and fellowship with. There was a lot that seemed to come up that puzzled me as I started to try to reconcile my Jamaican heritage with the British culture I saw before me. Up to that point I'd thought myself very British but after analysing certain things I wasn't so sure.

As I went to the meeting at Sheffield I felt strange. It was mostly to do with me and where I was at personally. Greeting my brother Hamid I felt even more odd. However, as Hamid had done nothing to arouse this sense of oddness I realised it was me. Internally I was quite frantic. I was stressed. I was also a bit cautious and very closed. Over the previous weeks I'd let a bit of the spiritual element of London affect me. Coldness towards others, sharpness, suspicion and lack of eye contact were all exhibiting themselves. Even anger and paranoia came through thinking some in this hall had their own prejudices. This justified me in my thinking, so I thought, 'If people in this room have racism in their hearts towards me, then that excuses me having hate and racism towards them also'. I started to notice the amount of our congregation who were from a white British background and once again felt like a minority. 

These feelings railed on me until I was greeted by some of my brethren from Birmingham. Then for the first time that day, I thought of others around the church who loved me and whom I loved, who I would see later and find happiness in being with despite skin colour. With these people culture and race didn't matter as kingdom culture prevailed. At home at times, the culture differences were very apparent; yet in the great congregation of the saints I could be open. I could share my heart and I didn't feel a British culture, nor any other culture weighing heavy on me. I didn't even see colour so much anymore because the kingdom had taken over.

Being honest, I don't want to go back to my Jamaican culture with it's ideas of righteousness which fall far short of God's heart. Neither do I want to go back to the pro-blackness of my old man which raises it's nose at other cultures and tries to make everything about his colour and natural roots. British culture also doesn't appeal to me. It's values, opinions, standards of analysis and gauges of approval and disapproval all ring hollow in my spirit. The only thing I want deep in my heart is kingdom culture....yet I know this comes at a price.

As I came back on the train from Sheffield, I dozed off. When I woke up, we were just pulling up to St Pancras International. I got out and as I walked through the station everything seemed so shiny.  There were people dressed up, and the women that passed me looked so stylish and elegant. I wondered why everything seemed so flashy and people aimed to make such an impression with their exteriors. It wasn't like it was a dinner party. To me it was only a train station. 

I realised the spirit of the place; how it was so different to the place I'd just come from. Unknowingly I had gone head first into the world's culture. Everything was much more hype and made so much more of an outward impression when compared with the meeting I'd just come from. Yet for all this, something in me didn't take to it. As I moved on into Kings Cross St Pancras tube station I could hear a fully formed argument in mid flow. A man (out of view) was calling this woman a 'B****' and some other words I can't remember. All I felt at that moment was, 'Here is the world in it's glory and I don't want no part of it'.

Sitting on the tube back I thought and planned how to give my life for the Jesus Army, for this is where I found the kingdom. Then a thought came to me. 

I realised that though intentions can be good, we can end up striving to uphold the practices and name of an organisation whilst forgetting God's agenda. True, to be planted and to have foundations is so important. However, God has also placed in some of us a desire for the culture of the kingdom. The fact is, though I am a part of the Jesus Army, it was neither its name nor its organisational essence that drew me to buy the field. It was the kingdom within it. 

Therefore, to give my life for Jesus Army (or Lighthouse Chapel, the Church of God 7th Day or any other church organisation near or far) would only end in tears; simply because it's not God's calling.  He calls us to live to see his kingdom manifest. He calls us to buy the field in order to live for the treasure inside it.

Deadbeats....

This is a flashback for me of something I wrote but never actually posted. Funny how it speaks to me, almost a year and a half after the event actually took place. Hope it blesses you..
_______________________________________________________________

Today, I went to the council office in Newtown, Birmingham to offer proofs for a reclaim for housing benefit.

The weird thing was that as I approached the desk, I pictured in my minds eye the lady behind the desk. In my daydream, I imagined she was no longer who she was but a girl I knew from school. I said to myself, what if this lady really was my friend from school and as it came to my turn she was the one to serve me? How would my friend from school behave? Would she see us on the same playing field, and this as an opportunity to be able to serve a friend and catch up, or would she look at the situation through different eyes. That since we left school she had made so much more of her life than me, and now I was the one on handouts and she was the one in the position of giving them. It was a funny thought to think, especially as this lady didn't know me from Adam.

When I did get to the desk the lady there obviously wasn't my friend from school. I smiled but she didn't. I was then asked with a laborious tone, 'How can I help you'. Her words said, 'Present your reason for being here', her tone said 'Listen I've been dealing with deadbeats all day, just say what you've gotta say so I can pass you on to someone else and move on to the next customer'. Funny thing was that's actually what she tried to do, to move me on to use the phones, until I brought up someone had sent me here from Handsworth. Then I got an appointment.

What's my point? Sometimes I guess a person comes into a profession with a heart to make a difference, but that zeal and passion gets swallowed up in the thousands who bumble through trying to swing something, the thousands who are not genuinely trying to move on, but just want to get their money. Work then turns into a machine, where a person is trying to get through as many people as possible without seeing the actual people in the process. A heart trying to make change gets swallowed up and often a person fails to see the reason why they got into the career in the first place. The end result is they just get caught up in the same spiral of others. Doing whatever they need to in order to get their money.

When did life become all about living for money? All about a lifeless piece of paper with a dead dignitary on the back of it.

When did it all become about getting one over on another person?
The attitude: I've made more steps than you. I've done more with my life than you have. That makes me better in essence than you, because my value is based on the things I've done with the time I've been given or the places I've got to. The sales and capitalist mentality has crept in so slowly and it seems we've just accepted it. People are based on what they do and where they've got to, rather then who they are. 

Next time you can, if you have the time, talk to the man begging on the roadside. Ask him what his life was like before he ended up on the streets. Ask him what school he went to. What was his favourite subject and what happened to to him to end him up on the street. And realise this is a person who had friends, a home and a family. Not just a tramp.

Maybe some would say, he never had a chance because of how messed up his background was and where he grew up. Maybe he is where he is through his choices. Maybe he was destined to become who he became. But maybe, though there are so many cheats and liars out there, he is like some who genuinely don't fit into the pre-carved box we've made for them....

You never know until you take the time to find out....

Reflections...

My blogs are becoming scarcer and scarcer these days, but I guess I couldn't keep away for always. Inspiration had to come sometime :).

The other day I did a picture college of different people who inspired my faith over the past 3 years. The original collage was quite different from the one you see above as it only contained 7 people in it. After some thought and reflection I realised there were others I had to include. However, there were a number of things I realised after finishing and taking time to look at the original unaltered collage.

The first thing was that except for James Beatt of Abimaro & the free (far middle right), every person was of black heritage.

First I felt 'Oh No! There has to be someone else from some other background I haven't thought to include', yet my mind drew a blank. This isn't because there were none. People like David Wilkerson and John Stott are examples of those who have really inspired my faith, yet are from a different socio-economic background to mine. There is also a brother named Siyamak and a sister named Marie who go to my church- both of whom inspire my faith in the past and present tense and are from different backgrounds to the one I grew up in. However when compiling these pictures only these 7 people came to mind and I think that is for reason.

Naturally people of a certain heritage incline to others of that same heritage, in terms of drawing inspiration and sometimes in terms of other things. For me, I find myself drawing inspiration from people who are black and have reached out in an urban setting because I'm black and I find myself more often than not reaching out in urban settings. The struggles of someone who's been through what I've been through or someone who is passing through something I see God leading me into fascinates me, inspires me and in the end often teaches me valuable lessons. I see the things I learn from such people as comfort for now and hope/help for the future. Ultimately, they show me that someone like me can also break through in my mission field with the gospel message, despite the obstacles.

The second thing that struck me was the fact that there was more women than men in the picture. Only just......but I also found this significant.

I've wrote long Facebook statuses on this in the past so I won't go too deep into it now. The truth remains however that we do need more Godly men, standing up for righteousness and reaching out with impact and without fear in places that are very dark.

The third thing and last thing that I'll mention for now is that all the people in these pictures are ones of reputation. 

In other words people that people know across different groupings and nations. 

What does this mean? Does this mean that the common people don't inspire my faith? May it never be so. It just means that sometimes it is easier to see those stars that are far away, whilst bypassing the ones that are right by you. May God give me eyes to see, and help me not to become too familiar with those he's sent to inspire my faith.

Let there be light...

My heart has been somewhat focused on light and darkness in recent days. I enjoy seeing how bringing a little bit of light into a room, an estate, a poetry jam, or a workplace can change an atmosphere.

Earlier this week, I found myself working alongside a colleague I hardly come in contact with. This man is known affectionately by some as the ‘daddy’ of the company I work in for the simple fact he is older than most of us there and also has a teenage son. The shift was going as normal until it came time for banking. Now I have this knack for getting on the wrong side of people during banking time. People often don’t like the fact I don’t like to cut corners.

Some think this is because I’m a perfectionist. Others think I’m slightly OCD, and some believe it’s a reflection of my faith which causes me to move ‘righteously’ about such things. Though I have a few qualms with the OCD part, the other two conclusions are not too far of the mark.

God calls his people to shine as light in dark places. Though we are not perfect, God has still placed in us something that is different. The truth is that Christians often get worried because that difference unconsciously causes some to not like us, associate with us and even treat us badly for choosing not to go with the tide. Therefore this may lead to some trying to fit in with the crowd. The problem is that, through taking successive steps to 'normalise ourselves' and fit in, the light upon us which was once so attractive slowly begins to dim.

Light can at times be jarring, unsettling people either for good or bad. As well as some being attracted to objects of light when they shine, some people hate the light and will do anything to eradicate it. This may cause them to act in very wicked, demeaning and hateful ways to its carriers.  We have to be ready for this, and combat such reactions with the love God has put inside of us. The solemn truth is that the world needs the light we carry. Without it, they will not be able to find their way to the foot of the cross.

Darkness is creeping across the face of the earth. Sadly, in our times the issue is not a lack of light, but that so many who are called to shine lack the courage or the confidence to shine.

Shining requires us to be seen and to enter into dark places if we truly want to see our light affect people. Shining may mean offence and persecution. It may mean men will hate you and seek to abuse you. People may judge you harshly, simply because you speak the truth you know from God and refuse to pander to ethical relativism and public opinion.

Jesus is still calling us to follow him. He has confidence enough to call both himself and us ‘the light of the world’. The only question is, will we trust his judgement and live the call?

One vote....

At a recent poetry show I learnt a very hard lesson. Let me set the scene.........

Dimmed lights. Bar atmosphere. Poets slamming. Words being spoken from the heart.

A great night, except for one thing.

My honesty was off.

In this event the best poet was chosen by the audience. Each person had a laminated (or not so laminated) piece of paper in their hand and got to vote on whether they liked a piece by raising their card. I found generally the poets were on point. A few I had to leave the card down for, but there were so much good words spoken. However my problem wasn't approving of good poems. It was the pressure to raise my card when people spoke things which in my heart I didn't find inspiring at all.

My reactions could be classified in 3 categories.

1. I didn't want to look like I was hating on someone's piece because I wanted to win. I wanted to look good to others, uncompetitive and ultimately have the heart that I felt a 'Christian should have', one of positivity, approval and encouragement. In other words I wanted to put on a facade.

2. I didn't want to look like the only one in my table who didn't approve of a poem everybody else liked. In my natural instinct I wanted to go with the crowd.

3. I didn't want to look bad in front of someone who'd just done a poem by choosing to leave my card down, especially if we knew each other on some level and they were looking in my direction as the voting was going on. My natural desire was to please people, even if that meant lying.

Now all of these reasons are really rubbish excuses for not speaking the truth. A Christian's life involves encouraging others but also includes reproof and disapproval sometimes when people promote or do things God does not find pleasure in. This can be called 'hating what God hates'. Natural instincts will always be easier, but they never bear fruit in the end.

In the final round there was one particular poem I couldn't find a reason to vote for, no matter how I tried to reconcile it in my head. This poem spoke of a sense of empowerment, but was more rooted in pride and ego than acknowledgement of truth. In my head I said 'I don't like this poem so I won't vote for it', but when the pressure came I once again bowed to the people pleasing.

I felt God quietly rebuke me about not being bold enough to leave my card down once again for a poem which I wasn't inspired by. He showed me the effect of that one vote. The host in the end said I came second and lost by one or two votes. The person who won was the one I hesitantly voted for. God also reminded me of the words spoken in the poem I recited to end that night. It ended with the lines....

And I'm a culprit also when I fail to bring the brightness
God empowers me to speak but still I find I'm quiet
Tears fall as the misery increases
But the prophets mouth is silent, it's silent.
Tears fall as the misery increases
But the prophets mouth is silent, it's silent.....

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I recently had a dream where I was in a football match and I was playing against someone I knew from school days. He was encouraging me to play for a stalemate or to allow his side to win because he was in a bad place. In feeling sorry for him and through doing this I thought, 'I may be able to bring him closer to the Lord'. Therefore we played for a stalemate and whenever I would play in a certain way he would wrench me in my private parts making me bow once again to a sense of allowing him to have his way. In the end however I wised up to what he was doing. Me and my team no longer played the game for a stalemate or a loss in order to draw him close. We played to win.

When we scored a goal he shouted at me, 'You're supposed to be playing for the good of my team because of what I'm going through'. At that point I said to him, 'You know what, you are evil', finally seeing him for who he was and for what he was doing. I realised this was a game that would make no sense if we did not play to win. It was that important.

This struggle of light against darkness is also important. God is showing me that as well as speaking truth, I must be careful not to validate the lie through careless approval or passivity. This is a game which must be played to win.

Poetical thoughts....

Last night I went to 'Word for Word', A monthly poetry shindig in the East End of London hosted by Kat Francois. This month's event made me think on and explore poetry deeper to say the least.

The bill consisted of (yet was not limited to) poems of revolution, street culture, love, hostels, identity and more. With a wide range of performers ranging from a loud Scotsman to a not so loud American, 2 lesbians and an unashamed father speaking of a detailed sexual fantasy (while his 11/12 year old son was looking on from the crowd), all in all there was a lot to ponder on.

I found it interesting that some performers advertised their lifestyles without shame or apology, while some used sentiment and sympathy as their tools to ‘minister’ to mindsets. Other poems spoke deeply to me and made me think about what I was doing with my life. Was I giving myself to the very world system I'd spoken so much against? Had I forgotten the very reason I decided to work in the world? All this left me with a challenge to reassess my purpose and ministry.

The resident poet for the night was Tschaka Campbell. He inspired me in different ways from the norm. It wasn't his subject matter so much as how he said things. His metaphors and those things which you didn't get at first process but you knew were genius. His pain, frustration and feeling in some of what he was saying. How he got to grips with his subject matter, choosing to write what was in his heart without seeking to be too clever.

The interesting thing was, I didn't agree with everything he said, but I can't say I disagreed with everything either. Some points of resonance included his references to Harriet Tubman, the underground railroad and freedom, and the fact that all of us had come out to that poetry event to hear something which would change us.

Lastly, there were a young group of poets named 'Rhythm of men' who totally smashed it with their poem on youth culture, along with a guy named JJ Bola who was sharing poems encouraging others to 'fly' and to become 'men who are real'. 

This whole night made me understand more deeply that God gave us poetry, prose, words and rhyme for a reason. Through expression, creativity, wisdom, study, thought, guidance and challenge we can explore deeper those reasons laid on God’s heart. But as I said, it's more a choice than anything... :)

Fame, honing skills and K Koke....

(Qualifier: Though in this blog and others I may mention some of the music I've been listening to, it may not be good to listen to for those not called to it. Let God lead and use discernment).

Ok ok, when you thought you'd got rid of me.....I'm back!

This is one of those blog posts where I take time to get my thoughts together so please bear with me. I've been reading a lot recently and something which spoke into my heart was honing my craft. Now what does it mean to hone something?

To hone means to sharpen a tool on a fine grained whetstone...or in terms of a craft (a description maybe easier to swallow) to perfect or make more intense or effective. 

Now my craft consists of two things. My spoken word style (including my rap and spoken word poetry) and my barbering skills.

I realised recently in terms of both I still need to learn a lot. My barbering skills were shown up to be somewhat inadequate in my recent trips to barbershops far and wide. Knowing I can cut hair is a great start, but in terms of detail, quickness, ability, proficiency and experience, I know I ain't there yet......at all.

In terms of the music, yeah I can write...a bit. For over 11 years I've been learning how to put pen to pad, growing in lyrical ability, knowing God has most definitely given me this talent for his purposes. However, only over the last two years I've been challenged in the area of subject matter, how deep into my own personal experiences I'm willing to go and how much I'm willing to learn from other lyricists.

This week after being challenged on a work program I decided to focus in on honing my crafts. Starting with music,  I decided that every week I would learn something that is unique to the particular artist I'm focused on for that week. I started with a UK rapper named K Koke today and listened to his mixtape 'Pure Koke Vol 1' after hearing a few promising reviews.

It began as the typical 'hood mixtape' about not dealing with the police, not snitching, keeping a gun handy, selling substances and not saying you do things you don't do. However, for me anyway I was swiftly able to see a person quite transparent, a person who knew what he was doing was wrong, even through all his boasts about it. He mentioned death, thoughts of heaven and even the fact that he knew he was sinning a few times. Through hearing this mixtape I was challenged to think of those outside, those in ends, those who were humble enough to realise what they were doing was wrong. Those who didn't need anyone to tell them they were sinners. They knew it instinctively. Yet through a feeling of it being a necessary evil to survive, they clung to their sin.

I was challenged to think about how this was his life. Not necessarily written with any special effort so people would think he was hard or to portray a hard life but simply because this was his reality. I was challenged thinking that at times I write to sound like I've seen something, or sometimes preachy street commentaries, but he writes just because he lives it. He is authentic effortlessly because he lived the life and his rhymes are the product of his environment.

I have no authority to speak on the same level about such an environment because though I've been in ghettos, experienced the hardship of others for a time, and lived through little things I've never been pushed deep into the experience of  a day to day personal struggle such as people like K Koke who write from a daily reality. If making it in rap is my goal I may easily focus on the things I see, from a very dimmed view, not really caring about getting to grips with other peoples reality, just trying to propogate my stuff in order to get approval. But if I really want to learn about people and really am interested in their lives and really want to see the gospel brought to the poor, I will forget my selfish dreams and get into their reality, whatever that means.

So what if I don't became famous, so what if people aren't appreciating me for songs I've recorded. That should never have been the aim anyway. The right aim should always have been to draw others into the kingdom, not for self exaltation but through being a servant. I want to get to the end saying I lived for people and not for myself. I sought to get to grips with them. I cared for them. I fulfilled the call of God on my life. I loved people, not because of what they could help me with, just because I was called to and the opportunity was set before me. I loved God because I ran after the desire of his heart, which is greater than any other thing this world can offer- including fame and self propagation.

Desire for fame seeks to have me, but God has called me to a greater reward. Help me focus in.

A simple poem...

Well I hear the call 

To leave all I have behind

So that I might dwell

In my fathers house

And though the way is hard

And though the journey long

Still there's nothing the world can do 

To steal my heart away

Well I pledge myself 

To walk the highest way

So that I might kneel

Before your throne

And even when it feels

Like I am all alone

Still your love wins through

And keeps me travelling on

- Found on a wall at New River: A Jesus Fellowship Community House

Can you reach (out for) my friend....

So I haven't wrote in a while and a lot has gone on. Too much to explain in one blog. In fact, some of it I want to keep a secret for now. But let's continue.

Now I have a friend. I have two friends. Two very different situations but in some ways they are similar. But I'll write of Friend 1 today.

Friend 1: I've known since I was maybe about 14. We grew up in the same city and met on one of those on-line chat sites. It was one of those typical teenage friendships although we had never even seen each other. We liked the same music, we watched the same TV shows. Both of us had dreams to move to America: her 'Flawda' (as she called it) and me more New York sides. The culture and the life just caught us both and we longed to get our green cards and pursue what our hearts were set on. Then things changed.

I moved to Jamaica for 2 years and in the first year I messed around and failed all my exams. She lambasted me for it (even though in the time I was meant to be in school studying, much was spent catching up with her on-line). I fixed up and the next year I got my head down, hardly catching up with her and making sure I passed well. Within a little while of finishing my exams I was on a plane out of Jamaica heading back to Britain via New York, catching up with her slightly during my stay in the US.

When I got back to the UK, it was crunch time. Some things had changed since I'd left and come back. I now was a Christian having made certain decisions in Jamaica, and though I was quite a baby in the faith I had in a very definite way chosen to walk with my master. Now for the first time I was gonna meet her. The girl I'd spent so long speaking to on the phone, on the computer and thinking of as my best friend all these years we'd never met. My heart in my mouth I remember walking into her shop to wait for her. Would she like me? I remember the jump suit I wore, the cap I wore, everything, I could name it's colours, it's make. Maybe not the shoes but the rest is clear in my mind :). I wasn't really thinking in a super romantic way 'cus she was my friend and that she had always been. I was just thinking would she like me as a person. The way I looked, my style and so on, as if that was all people should base deepening friendships on (so superficial).

To tell the truth, we messed about, ran some jokes but I don't think she was that impressed with me. Within a very small period of time I believe we lost contact and that was that. Maybe it was more circumstances than anything but to this day I'm still affected thinking of her. Genuinely I think God has stapled her in my heart, to live and die. It's weird. I've had many friendships built and lost but this one I carry with me.

Now I know the goodness of God, I can't help but want that for her too. For her to know him, to know how much he loves her and to know how much I love her. We talked one day on Facebook last year and we weren't the same people any more. We couldn't talk about the same things. Since then I've longed to know her as a friend again but to no avail. I pray one day and one day soon she would come to know God in the face of Jesus Christ. That's my greatest wish for her. Beyond any reconnection between me and her. Even if we never speak again, that would be enough for me. Though I love her and long to see her again and even rebuild a friendship with her, if that never ever happened but she found her Saviour, that would be enough.

Why do I tell you?  So you can pray too. Just tell God friend 1. He knows who she is.

Bless you.

What do you mean by God...

What do I mean by God when I say God in my blogs?

This challenge came to me the other day when I asked people to pray for me that I get my work done which is going better by the way :).

I said 'pray to God for me' and this was made bold because I always did plan to follow it up.


Well............

Maybe I should start with what I don't mean.

I don't mean myself. This may sound strange to some but some people I know do think they are God or a part of him. I don't. I believe in a God who loves his creation, and who made us in his own image but yet is distinct from his creation. He created all things. We can only create from what he has already created.

I don't mean a multi-faceted, multi named, multi faith God, known as Buddha in some cultures, Allah in others, The Great Architect of the Universe in others still and the Don Quixote in the ones that just don't have a clue. I believe in every culture God has revealed his unchanging character through the things he has made and the things we see everyday around and above us. The day and the night faithfully interchanging. The sun shining on us even when we may have done wrong the day before, showing he is merciful and ready to forgive. The rain falling on us all, showing  he is no respector of persons. Life comes with good and bad times for those who follow God and those who don't. His character doesn't change with the customs of each culture. He is one person with one character and one name, which he reveals to his friends and those who have begun to know him.

I don't mean my God or a God out of many options, or the one I like to call God. There is one God who made the heavens, the planets, the solar system and all we see upon the earth, the trees, the rivers and lakes. He is God (with a big G), there is no other.

I don't mean a distant or impersonal God. I believe in a God who is closer to me now then the keyboard I'm typing on. I believe in one who loves me as a Father loves his child. I believe I am loved by him, yes I believe I am loved. I believe in a God that doesn't stay on the outside to try and change within a person. I believe in a God who comes in, who inhabits those who believe and want to follow him and works to change them from the inside out, making them into new people with new hearts. Into people he sees worthy of him and his presence.

When I say the word God I mean someone who doesn't leave us wondering what he's like but someone who shows us, if only we'd believe it! Someone who shows us in the face of his son, a perfect reflection of his perfect character. Someone unafraid to be restricted by what we're restricted by, even for a time. A body which brings sleep to a God who doesn't sleep, hunger to a God who doesn't need to be sustained and death to a God who doesn't die, just to show us what perfection lives, breathes, and acts like in situations we all find ourselves in. An incarnational God unafraid to step into our shoes because though these human restrictions affected his body, he knew they could never affect his spirit.

When I speak of God, I mean a real Father who loves us and never leaves us.
I mean one who is a Spirit who will live on beyond all restrictions we place on him, and seeks to work deeply in the hearts of those who believe in him.
And I mean one who comes as a Son just to show us in the mask of imperfection what perfection looks like.

This is what I mean by God when I speak of him in my blogs......

Worldviews, nods and signals.....

I found it interesting lately how in the midst of darkness God shines his light through people, sometimes ever so dimly, but it still with intensity. I know God is gonna do great things with this generation Soli Deo gloria!

It's crazy to see how many nods and signalling goes on in today's society, especially among the well known and highly influential. We have the masonic handshakes going around and the illuminati triangle. In the 70's it was the fist which represented black power, and years before that Churchill flipped the V at us (supposedly representing victory in the second world war, which later was adopted by anti-war campaigners as a sign of peace). For years people have seemed to send subliminal nods to the philosophies, organisations and spiritual entities they serve, while most people either scratch their heads, think it's cool so they join in, or simply bypass it through ignorance.

During Wimbledon last year, after each win we saw Andy Murray signal the sky. Some people speculated it points towards a personal faith or an event which marked his life when he was young but the real meaning behind the gesture has stayed secret, because he has kept it so. Some things are more obvious like athletes who wear the cross such as Alyson Felix, someone with no qualms in discussing who she attributes her success to. There was also that athlete who didn't shake Kate Middleton's hand which also strangely enough was an allusion to his own beliefs. Our signals often point to our ideologies and in other words lay down a foundation so that even if everyone else doesn't know, we make it clear to ourselves and our masters, who we serve and what we represent.

I say masters because everyone serves something, be it money and houses, a particular philosophy or God and his glory. This week I was listening to a very well known British singer and her songs cried out to me of something more. With an album dedicated to 'my river' she journeyed through songs of a contemplative mood while pointing to something or someone bigger than it all. When questioned about these allusions she affirmed she 'definitely believed in God and heaven' but in the song Next to me 'I wanted to speak of love and loyalty, and to celebrate good men. This is about God... or your man'. In other words, she was leaving the song open to interpretation.

Sometimes we're so eager to get everything out in one sentence for that 'on the spot conversion', we can miss what God is trying to do.

It isn't bad to preach the gospel in this way but sometimes God is seeking us to work another way. The truth is that the devil is a master of subtlety. He doesn't come up to you with a gun and say shoot yourself. He doesn't tell you that the thing he is leading you to will have detrimental effects on your whole being and for those around you. He tells you 'come have a taste' or 'it's not so bad and you will gain so much through it'. Be the reward a high, money, fame or acceptance, he seeks to draw you into it by hook or crook. Through propogating his worldviews very subtlely, people in the world after checking their natural desires and what they have to gain roll with them almost immediately, even though some need more persuading. Even many Christians who profess to have left the world behind, still carry his ideals in their dreams, their focuses, the things which drive them and what they live for.

The devil will not preach to you come to hell, but will take you there through a succession of planned and calculated steps. As Christians our goal is to lead people to Jesus because he is the only one who can give true life to a dying world. But this same Jesus is the one who said we have to be as wise as serpents, while harmless as doves. When first asked by his disciples about where he lived, he did not make it a full gospel conversation. He said 'come and see', taking them on a journey.

Fools rush in, and times we must be slower, planting what seems like the lesser seeds, and what seems to just be a part of the gospel. God can work on these seeds if we refuse to compromise, and move towards the goal of opening blind eyes and setting the captive free with the wisdom and subtlety of the Spirit. A wise farmer knows what to plant at what time for the ultimate harvest.

Identifiable differences....

I-dent-if-i-a-ble

Diff-er-en-ces

Like when you eye something in your mind

That settles the charisma in ya

This man knew the same culture

Same sculpted lens

But his worldview screams

That he's an individual

We grew up in the same ends

Same friends

Asian rule was blatant up in Sparkhill 

Where we saw the same things

Same park swings

Same corner shops, same sins,

Same robbing chocolate bars

Cus of decayed spends

Saw some brothers had pay

So the gain they'd sport

Others living on scraps 

Man they were greatly poor

We saw Tupacs

Single moms lacing up the bootstraps

And round the corner Will Smiths

Gaze and yawn

Some on the housing

Some with the graceful doors

Some with graffiti on their walls 

Didn't care at all

And some of our hearts were openly depraved

Open to the raise

We got drawn in

Through smoking sim'lar haze

And we would bar it madly

No worries

Just to slap on a new era cap

And fake like in heart we're yankees

But my mind is on the pea

His is on the family

And I be checking out the mama's

While he clings to Daddy

It wasn't always so

But there was a switch in purpose

The same life change that

Known to make a bredrin nervous

Cus he's a different person

And it bears a mark on me

He is a different version

From them one's with hearts of greed

Know I'm a heartless feen

And I got the scars to prove it

He tell me comes to church

But I say my heart's on music

And I will try one day

He doesn't half pursue it

In the end he lets up

Cus I ain't on the pastor movements

But in my heart I'm dying

And this is the biggest difference

You walked right to the altar

I can't even grace the building

My worst fear of all in life

Is the Lord's rejection

But I can't come to him at all

Because I know I'm sinnin'

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My child wisdom's what you need

Through the misconceptions

Seems like a maze at times

And that voice is real and pressin'

'Rejection is your portion

You got a dad who never wanted you

And others told your mom

She should accept abortion'


That voice echoes and

You bargain with deceitful lies

That you have to swallow up

The harsh realities of life

And 'cus your uncles run the street

You have to be that guy,

That got a few babymothers

But you'll never see the wife,


And when you speak, if they don't accept you

Then that will wreck you,

Cus you're yet to see

You're a chosen vessel my hand assembled

A vessel's just a cup

But when they drink from you

These men don't know your worth

But still they see in you there's something special


Brother don't run from me,

Just because my peeps imperfect

Because it's sinful men the King expects

To fill the churches

I'm talking mystical

But I will be a father to you

And don't believe the lie

I made you and will give you purpose