One vote....

At a recent poetry show I learnt a very hard lesson. Let me set the scene.........

Dimmed lights. Bar atmosphere. Poets slamming. Words being spoken from the heart.

A great night, except for one thing.

My honesty was off.

In this event the best poet was chosen by the audience. Each person had a laminated (or not so laminated) piece of paper in their hand and got to vote on whether they liked a piece by raising their card. I found generally the poets were on point. A few I had to leave the card down for, but there were so much good words spoken. However my problem wasn't approving of good poems. It was the pressure to raise my card when people spoke things which in my heart I didn't find inspiring at all.

My reactions could be classified in 3 categories.

1. I didn't want to look like I was hating on someone's piece because I wanted to win. I wanted to look good to others, uncompetitive and ultimately have the heart that I felt a 'Christian should have', one of positivity, approval and encouragement. In other words I wanted to put on a facade.

2. I didn't want to look like the only one in my table who didn't approve of a poem everybody else liked. In my natural instinct I wanted to go with the crowd.

3. I didn't want to look bad in front of someone who'd just done a poem by choosing to leave my card down, especially if we knew each other on some level and they were looking in my direction as the voting was going on. My natural desire was to please people, even if that meant lying.

Now all of these reasons are really rubbish excuses for not speaking the truth. A Christian's life involves encouraging others but also includes reproof and disapproval sometimes when people promote or do things God does not find pleasure in. This can be called 'hating what God hates'. Natural instincts will always be easier, but they never bear fruit in the end.

In the final round there was one particular poem I couldn't find a reason to vote for, no matter how I tried to reconcile it in my head. This poem spoke of a sense of empowerment, but was more rooted in pride and ego than acknowledgement of truth. In my head I said 'I don't like this poem so I won't vote for it', but when the pressure came I once again bowed to the people pleasing.

I felt God quietly rebuke me about not being bold enough to leave my card down once again for a poem which I wasn't inspired by. He showed me the effect of that one vote. The host in the end said I came second and lost by one or two votes. The person who won was the one I hesitantly voted for. God also reminded me of the words spoken in the poem I recited to end that night. It ended with the lines....

And I'm a culprit also when I fail to bring the brightness
God empowers me to speak but still I find I'm quiet
Tears fall as the misery increases
But the prophets mouth is silent, it's silent.
Tears fall as the misery increases
But the prophets mouth is silent, it's silent.....

__________________________________________________________

I recently had a dream where I was in a football match and I was playing against someone I knew from school days. He was encouraging me to play for a stalemate or to allow his side to win because he was in a bad place. In feeling sorry for him and through doing this I thought, 'I may be able to bring him closer to the Lord'. Therefore we played for a stalemate and whenever I would play in a certain way he would wrench me in my private parts making me bow once again to a sense of allowing him to have his way. In the end however I wised up to what he was doing. Me and my team no longer played the game for a stalemate or a loss in order to draw him close. We played to win.

When we scored a goal he shouted at me, 'You're supposed to be playing for the good of my team because of what I'm going through'. At that point I said to him, 'You know what, you are evil', finally seeing him for who he was and for what he was doing. I realised this was a game that would make no sense if we did not play to win. It was that important.

This struggle of light against darkness is also important. God is showing me that as well as speaking truth, I must be careful not to validate the lie through careless approval or passivity. This is a game which must be played to win.

Poetical thoughts....

Last night I went to 'Word for Word', A monthly poetry shindig in the East End of London hosted by Kat Francois. This month's event made me think on and explore poetry deeper to say the least.

The bill consisted of (yet was not limited to) poems of revolution, street culture, love, hostels, identity and more. With a wide range of performers ranging from a loud Scotsman to a not so loud American, 2 lesbians and an unashamed father speaking of a detailed sexual fantasy (while his 11/12 year old son was looking on from the crowd), all in all there was a lot to ponder on.

I found it interesting that some performers advertised their lifestyles without shame or apology, while some used sentiment and sympathy as their tools to ‘minister’ to mindsets. Other poems spoke deeply to me and made me think about what I was doing with my life. Was I giving myself to the very world system I'd spoken so much against? Had I forgotten the very reason I decided to work in the world? All this left me with a challenge to reassess my purpose and ministry.

The resident poet for the night was Tschaka Campbell. He inspired me in different ways from the norm. It wasn't his subject matter so much as how he said things. His metaphors and those things which you didn't get at first process but you knew were genius. His pain, frustration and feeling in some of what he was saying. How he got to grips with his subject matter, choosing to write what was in his heart without seeking to be too clever.

The interesting thing was, I didn't agree with everything he said, but I can't say I disagreed with everything either. Some points of resonance included his references to Harriet Tubman, the underground railroad and freedom, and the fact that all of us had come out to that poetry event to hear something which would change us.

Lastly, there were a young group of poets named 'Rhythm of men' who totally smashed it with their poem on youth culture, along with a guy named JJ Bola who was sharing poems encouraging others to 'fly' and to become 'men who are real'. 

This whole night made me understand more deeply that God gave us poetry, prose, words and rhyme for a reason. Through expression, creativity, wisdom, study, thought, guidance and challenge we can explore deeper those reasons laid on God’s heart. But as I said, it's more a choice than anything... :)

Fame, honing skills and K Koke....

(Qualifier: Though in this blog and others I may mention some of the music I've been listening to, it may not be good to listen to for those not called to it. Let God lead and use discernment).

Ok ok, when you thought you'd got rid of me.....I'm back!

This is one of those blog posts where I take time to get my thoughts together so please bear with me. I've been reading a lot recently and something which spoke into my heart was honing my craft. Now what does it mean to hone something?

To hone means to sharpen a tool on a fine grained whetstone...or in terms of a craft (a description maybe easier to swallow) to perfect or make more intense or effective. 

Now my craft consists of two things. My spoken word style (including my rap and spoken word poetry) and my barbering skills.

I realised recently in terms of both I still need to learn a lot. My barbering skills were shown up to be somewhat inadequate in my recent trips to barbershops far and wide. Knowing I can cut hair is a great start, but in terms of detail, quickness, ability, proficiency and experience, I know I ain't there yet......at all.

In terms of the music, yeah I can write...a bit. For over 11 years I've been learning how to put pen to pad, growing in lyrical ability, knowing God has most definitely given me this talent for his purposes. However, only over the last two years I've been challenged in the area of subject matter, how deep into my own personal experiences I'm willing to go and how much I'm willing to learn from other lyricists.

This week after being challenged on a work program I decided to focus in on honing my crafts. Starting with music,  I decided that every week I would learn something that is unique to the particular artist I'm focused on for that week. I started with a UK rapper named K Koke today and listened to his mixtape 'Pure Koke Vol 1' after hearing a few promising reviews.

It began as the typical 'hood mixtape' about not dealing with the police, not snitching, keeping a gun handy, selling substances and not saying you do things you don't do. However, for me anyway I was swiftly able to see a person quite transparent, a person who knew what he was doing was wrong, even through all his boasts about it. He mentioned death, thoughts of heaven and even the fact that he knew he was sinning a few times. Through hearing this mixtape I was challenged to think of those outside, those in ends, those who were humble enough to realise what they were doing was wrong. Those who didn't need anyone to tell them they were sinners. They knew it instinctively. Yet through a feeling of it being a necessary evil to survive, they clung to their sin.

I was challenged to think about how this was his life. Not necessarily written with any special effort so people would think he was hard or to portray a hard life but simply because this was his reality. I was challenged thinking that at times I write to sound like I've seen something, or sometimes preachy street commentaries, but he writes just because he lives it. He is authentic effortlessly because he lived the life and his rhymes are the product of his environment.

I have no authority to speak on the same level about such an environment because though I've been in ghettos, experienced the hardship of others for a time, and lived through little things I've never been pushed deep into the experience of  a day to day personal struggle such as people like K Koke who write from a daily reality. If making it in rap is my goal I may easily focus on the things I see, from a very dimmed view, not really caring about getting to grips with other peoples reality, just trying to propogate my stuff in order to get approval. But if I really want to learn about people and really am interested in their lives and really want to see the gospel brought to the poor, I will forget my selfish dreams and get into their reality, whatever that means.

So what if I don't became famous, so what if people aren't appreciating me for songs I've recorded. That should never have been the aim anyway. The right aim should always have been to draw others into the kingdom, not for self exaltation but through being a servant. I want to get to the end saying I lived for people and not for myself. I sought to get to grips with them. I cared for them. I fulfilled the call of God on my life. I loved people, not because of what they could help me with, just because I was called to and the opportunity was set before me. I loved God because I ran after the desire of his heart, which is greater than any other thing this world can offer- including fame and self propagation.

Desire for fame seeks to have me, but God has called me to a greater reward. Help me focus in.

A simple poem...

Well I hear the call 

To leave all I have behind

So that I might dwell

In my fathers house

And though the way is hard

And though the journey long

Still there's nothing the world can do 

To steal my heart away

Well I pledge myself 

To walk the highest way

So that I might kneel

Before your throne

And even when it feels

Like I am all alone

Still your love wins through

And keeps me travelling on

- Found on a wall at New River: A Jesus Fellowship Community House

Can you reach (out for) my friend....

So I haven't wrote in a while and a lot has gone on. Too much to explain in one blog. In fact, some of it I want to keep a secret for now. But let's continue.

Now I have a friend. I have two friends. Two very different situations but in some ways they are similar. But I'll write of Friend 1 today.

Friend 1: I've known since I was maybe about 14. We grew up in the same city and met on one of those on-line chat sites. It was one of those typical teenage friendships although we had never even seen each other. We liked the same music, we watched the same TV shows. Both of us had dreams to move to America: her 'Flawda' (as she called it) and me more New York sides. The culture and the life just caught us both and we longed to get our green cards and pursue what our hearts were set on. Then things changed.

I moved to Jamaica for 2 years and in the first year I messed around and failed all my exams. She lambasted me for it (even though in the time I was meant to be in school studying, much was spent catching up with her on-line). I fixed up and the next year I got my head down, hardly catching up with her and making sure I passed well. Within a little while of finishing my exams I was on a plane out of Jamaica heading back to Britain via New York, catching up with her slightly during my stay in the US.

When I got back to the UK, it was crunch time. Some things had changed since I'd left and come back. I now was a Christian having made certain decisions in Jamaica, and though I was quite a baby in the faith I had in a very definite way chosen to walk with my master. Now for the first time I was gonna meet her. The girl I'd spent so long speaking to on the phone, on the computer and thinking of as my best friend all these years we'd never met. My heart in my mouth I remember walking into her shop to wait for her. Would she like me? I remember the jump suit I wore, the cap I wore, everything, I could name it's colours, it's make. Maybe not the shoes but the rest is clear in my mind :). I wasn't really thinking in a super romantic way 'cus she was my friend and that she had always been. I was just thinking would she like me as a person. The way I looked, my style and so on, as if that was all people should base deepening friendships on (so superficial).

To tell the truth, we messed about, ran some jokes but I don't think she was that impressed with me. Within a very small period of time I believe we lost contact and that was that. Maybe it was more circumstances than anything but to this day I'm still affected thinking of her. Genuinely I think God has stapled her in my heart, to live and die. It's weird. I've had many friendships built and lost but this one I carry with me.

Now I know the goodness of God, I can't help but want that for her too. For her to know him, to know how much he loves her and to know how much I love her. We talked one day on Facebook last year and we weren't the same people any more. We couldn't talk about the same things. Since then I've longed to know her as a friend again but to no avail. I pray one day and one day soon she would come to know God in the face of Jesus Christ. That's my greatest wish for her. Beyond any reconnection between me and her. Even if we never speak again, that would be enough for me. Though I love her and long to see her again and even rebuild a friendship with her, if that never ever happened but she found her Saviour, that would be enough.

Why do I tell you?  So you can pray too. Just tell God friend 1. He knows who she is.

Bless you.

What do you mean by God...

What do I mean by God when I say God in my blogs?

This challenge came to me the other day when I asked people to pray for me that I get my work done which is going better by the way :).

I said 'pray to God for me' and this was made bold because I always did plan to follow it up.


Well............

Maybe I should start with what I don't mean.

I don't mean myself. This may sound strange to some but some people I know do think they are God or a part of him. I don't. I believe in a God who loves his creation, and who made us in his own image but yet is distinct from his creation. He created all things. We can only create from what he has already created.

I don't mean a multi-faceted, multi named, multi faith God, known as Buddha in some cultures, Allah in others, The Great Architect of the Universe in others still and the Don Quixote in the ones that just don't have a clue. I believe in every culture God has revealed his unchanging character through the things he has made and the things we see everyday around and above us. The day and the night faithfully interchanging. The sun shining on us even when we may have done wrong the day before, showing he is merciful and ready to forgive. The rain falling on us all, showing  he is no respector of persons. Life comes with good and bad times for those who follow God and those who don't. His character doesn't change with the customs of each culture. He is one person with one character and one name, which he reveals to his friends and those who have begun to know him.

I don't mean my God or a God out of many options, or the one I like to call God. There is one God who made the heavens, the planets, the solar system and all we see upon the earth, the trees, the rivers and lakes. He is God (with a big G), there is no other.

I don't mean a distant or impersonal God. I believe in a God who is closer to me now then the keyboard I'm typing on. I believe in one who loves me as a Father loves his child. I believe I am loved by him, yes I believe I am loved. I believe in a God that doesn't stay on the outside to try and change within a person. I believe in a God who comes in, who inhabits those who believe and want to follow him and works to change them from the inside out, making them into new people with new hearts. Into people he sees worthy of him and his presence.

When I say the word God I mean someone who doesn't leave us wondering what he's like but someone who shows us, if only we'd believe it! Someone who shows us in the face of his son, a perfect reflection of his perfect character. Someone unafraid to be restricted by what we're restricted by, even for a time. A body which brings sleep to a God who doesn't sleep, hunger to a God who doesn't need to be sustained and death to a God who doesn't die, just to show us what perfection lives, breathes, and acts like in situations we all find ourselves in. An incarnational God unafraid to step into our shoes because though these human restrictions affected his body, he knew they could never affect his spirit.

When I speak of God, I mean a real Father who loves us and never leaves us.
I mean one who is a Spirit who will live on beyond all restrictions we place on him, and seeks to work deeply in the hearts of those who believe in him.
And I mean one who comes as a Son just to show us in the mask of imperfection what perfection looks like.

This is what I mean by God when I speak of him in my blogs......

Worldviews, nods and signals.....

I found it interesting lately how in the midst of darkness God shines his light through people, sometimes ever so dimly, but it still with intensity. I know God is gonna do great things with this generation Soli Deo gloria!

It's crazy to see how many nods and signalling goes on in today's society, especially among the well known and highly influential. We have the masonic handshakes going around and the illuminati triangle. In the 70's it was the fist which represented black power, and years before that Churchill flipped the V at us (supposedly representing victory in the second world war, which later was adopted by anti-war campaigners as a sign of peace). For years people have seemed to send subliminal nods to the philosophies, organisations and spiritual entities they serve, while most people either scratch their heads, think it's cool so they join in, or simply bypass it through ignorance.

During Wimbledon last year, after each win we saw Andy Murray signal the sky. Some people speculated it points towards a personal faith or an event which marked his life when he was young but the real meaning behind the gesture has stayed secret, because he has kept it so. Some things are more obvious like athletes who wear the cross such as Alyson Felix, someone with no qualms in discussing who she attributes her success to. There was also that athlete who didn't shake Kate Middleton's hand which also strangely enough was an allusion to his own beliefs. Our signals often point to our ideologies and in other words lay down a foundation so that even if everyone else doesn't know, we make it clear to ourselves and our masters, who we serve and what we represent.

I say masters because everyone serves something, be it money and houses, a particular philosophy or God and his glory. This week I was listening to a very well known British singer and her songs cried out to me of something more. With an album dedicated to 'my river' she journeyed through songs of a contemplative mood while pointing to something or someone bigger than it all. When questioned about these allusions she affirmed she 'definitely believed in God and heaven' but in the song Next to me 'I wanted to speak of love and loyalty, and to celebrate good men. This is about God... or your man'. In other words, she was leaving the song open to interpretation.

Sometimes we're so eager to get everything out in one sentence for that 'on the spot conversion', we can miss what God is trying to do.

It isn't bad to preach the gospel in this way but sometimes God is seeking us to work another way. The truth is that the devil is a master of subtlety. He doesn't come up to you with a gun and say shoot yourself. He doesn't tell you that the thing he is leading you to will have detrimental effects on your whole being and for those around you. He tells you 'come have a taste' or 'it's not so bad and you will gain so much through it'. Be the reward a high, money, fame or acceptance, he seeks to draw you into it by hook or crook. Through propogating his worldviews very subtlely, people in the world after checking their natural desires and what they have to gain roll with them almost immediately, even though some need more persuading. Even many Christians who profess to have left the world behind, still carry his ideals in their dreams, their focuses, the things which drive them and what they live for.

The devil will not preach to you come to hell, but will take you there through a succession of planned and calculated steps. As Christians our goal is to lead people to Jesus because he is the only one who can give true life to a dying world. But this same Jesus is the one who said we have to be as wise as serpents, while harmless as doves. When first asked by his disciples about where he lived, he did not make it a full gospel conversation. He said 'come and see', taking them on a journey.

Fools rush in, and times we must be slower, planting what seems like the lesser seeds, and what seems to just be a part of the gospel. God can work on these seeds if we refuse to compromise, and move towards the goal of opening blind eyes and setting the captive free with the wisdom and subtlety of the Spirit. A wise farmer knows what to plant at what time for the ultimate harvest.