Dreams Part 2......

Dream 1- In one dream I was listening to secular music. I was near to a young guy who used to go to church with me. I realised my actions were influencing him wrongly. I stopped doing this as I felt ashamed of the example I was giving him to follow.
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Interpretation- I must be careful of the things I allow and do. All things are permissible but not all things build up (a). The young ones (lambs) will be influenced by my actions and be encouraged to follow both the good and the bad.
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Dream 2- In another there was an announcement that those who had wet hands had been baptised and those with dry had not. Those who had dry hands were asked to raise their hands (to express their need to be baptised). There was one man adamant that his hands were wet. It was obvious they were dry but he wouldn't admit it (pride). My sister looked at her hands. They were dry. She acknowledged this and raised her hand (humility). She did this to acknowledge she needed to be baptised.
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Interpretation- Speaks for itself. Some will have the humility to acknowledge they need salvation and baptism. Some will be proud and refuse it. (b)
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Dream 3- I went to a local church in one dream and I saw a good friend there. He was sweeping up. A lady came up to him and was talking to him. He seemed quite submissive, though she was running light conversation. She then swore in Jamaican in a jovial manner then moved to the front and began to preach. I thought this was a bit strange but for the first time I realised what was happening. My friend was in church. How long I had prayed for this! I decided to stay with him and as I stayed I realised not just the preacher was a woman. Most of the congregation was also.

Suddenly I heard the voice of a church brother from my former church. I looked at him and he threw me an accusation saying 'you ran away'. One of my younger brothers (natural) then came into the room. I was talking to him seeking to justify my conduct before this church brother. Naturally, I was feeling a lot of distraction in the service because of what was going on. Therefore I sought to move closer to the front to focus on the preaching. I suggested to my friend he move with me. However, as I moved he didn't follow me.

I moved to the second row where my Dad was. He was chillin at the front and I began to also chill with him. For me this was a distraction, as my main purpose was to look after my newly converted friend and I was failing to do this because of the time I was spending chilling with my dad. I sought to move back to attend to my duty and also because we were actually too close to the video screen (now playing something) to get anything out of it. It served as an excuse to move.

After some discussion I was able to move, and as I moved 2 rows back my mother was now there. She was frustrated at me and told me how she had done everything for me in life. I began to protest that I had at least brought my own ticket for this show, but she didn't believe me and wanted proof. I realised all this served as a distraction, both from my friend and on putting my focus on the preaching. At this point I finally moved back to where my friend was. He was now sleeping, and another friend I had been praying for was sitting next to him. At the very back row (1 or 2 rows behind these friends) all 3 of my brothers (natural) were sitting, now focusing on the preaching at the front.
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Interpretation- This interpretation is as much as I understand at the moment. I believe those in this room represent today's "church" .

In another vision I saw this same preacher growing up. As she grew many people used this Jamaican swear word in speaking with her. As she grew this naturally became a part of her. Though she was God's servant, such worldly influences were still a part of her and she thought nothing of them. This is why she swore in conversation with my friend, before she went to preach. I am not called to judge such people, yet I am called to come alongside my friends as they are growing in the faith so they grow properly and they don't switch off or get disillusioned with the faith because of the flaws of those who are their teachers and role models.

Certain possible distractions for me were also pinpointed like 

1. Reacting to accusations from brethren I used to fellowship with
2. Reacting to accusations from natural family
3. Spending time chilling with my Dad (who could be a representative of those older in the faith) instead of focusing on the young ones entrusted to my care

I was shown that I'd failed in attending to the first person and he had fallen asleep because I had got distracted. However, more people that I'd prayed for were now coming out of the woodwork and occupying seats from the back. Starting with the person sitting by the friend who had now fallen asleep my duties would continue.  
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Main Lesson- Feed my lambs. Be an example. Help them grow properly. Build them up and influence them in good ways. Don't get distracted from your task.
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a: 1 Corinthians 10.23
b: Luke 7:30

'Compassion'....

There are various things I could write about this week. Battling independence, Submission, Patience. God has been teaching me a lot on each of these topics. The fact that the world has got so much into the way we think and the things we go after was also a contender. But the one that won out in the end was a little topic I'd like to call 'Compassion'.

I've been speaking out quite a bit lately about wordliness, and sin entering the church. I recently faced a situation in which we were on the way to evangelism and as we were heading out, a brother began to play an array of secular music to another brother to maybe 'get the adrenalin pumped'. Without saying much it got to me. After evangelism, I quickly spoke before we got into the van, 'No music on the way back, please'. We ended up having a little discussion about the impact secular music had on me, and the worldliness which is attached to it which I may have to tolerate in a secular setting, but when a brother was playing it, and not a new believer, especially since we were just about to go on a spiritual endevour, I couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie.

We continued to go into this subject over the next few days and I found myself softening towards the view that not all music was bad, but it's what spirit it put across and what message you give with the music you create that makes the difference. Because I had been thinking money may be neutral and can be used for good purposes or bad, I began to think the Lord was speaking to me that maybe music was the same. My view began to soften further over the week and to an extent I began to recant the views I had expressed previously about 'secular music'.

Further still, I went into the bookshop I volunteer at and found myself comparing our existence in this world and the mindsets we develop that are so hard to shake to the message of the Matrix. Immediately I was reproved by a fellow colleague because the Matrix was a 'dark film'. Within a few seconds I was also quietly rebuked by a customer after suggesting she could watch a Christian film on youtube with the short phrase, 'No, I'll buy it'. I realised the same yardstick I'd applied to this brother, now was being applied to me in areas I hadn't previously seen a problem in.

What was my response? Naturally I got protective and so decided to develop a 'non judgemental' attitude. My view became 'if this brother wants to listen to secular music who am I to tell him not to'. Let him be judged by his conscience as I will be judged by mine. After all we are under grace and we have liberty. We both have the Holy Spirit. He will show us what is acceptable in either case. But was it right to be so passive in my conclusion?

Where is the yardstick by which we come to a conclusion about what is wordly and what is Godly in the church? Especially when it concerns things which are not explicitly spoken about in the Bible. After all we must make judgements, especially when it concerns ourselves, our brethren and spiritual things. 

I got softer and more passive, even ready to apologise that I was being legalistic and not understanding. But.....the question remains, where does legalism or passivity end, and correction come in?

Notes to self....

These are just a few things I've noted down in my phone when inspired over the past few months, some encouragements, some inspirations, some ponderings. I've classified them into 6 topic areas. Hope you're blessed by them.

Inspirations

Scripture:

You know that I have not hesitated to preach anything that would be helpful to you but have taught you publicly and from house to house.

(Acts 20:20)

This is how Paul reached people with the gospel and helped them grow in faith. This statement inspired me midway through watching the Acts movie.

Song:

Jesus is cleaning, Jesus is cleaning, every trace of lingering sin, Jesus is healing, Jesus is healing, all through his blood he's cleansing within. Hallelujah, thank you Jesus, you are risen from the dead, took this clay and breathed within it, you are with us, here to stay.

A song God gave me whilst in the car going somewhere (I don't remember where)

Encouragements

i) God wants me to be me, and he delights in how he has made me. Therefore I must glory in this because through me taking a hold of this truth, he will use 'who I am' to glorify himself.

ii) My job is to sow myself into the ground and trust God. God will do the rest. Unless a corn of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains a single seed. But if it dies, it brings forth much fruit.

Ponderings (at various points over the last year)

i) Maybe God is saying I can give more to those in front of me

ii) Things I've been forgiven for (that I could remember at the time):

• Swearing at my mom (When I was 17)
• Fighting my dad physically (When I was 18)
• Harassing teachers at their homes, sometimes out of seeking to have sexual fantasies fulfilled (When I was 14)
• Sneaking into my gran's house in order to watch porn in the early hours of the morning (When I was 14/15)
• Sneaking out of my mom and dad's in order to go to parties and smoke weed (When I was 15)
• Starting fights to gain a rep (When I was 14)
• Sexual acts with females (when I was 16,17 and 18)
• Using women (when I was 16 and 19)

Letters to myself and others

When you're zealous for something always remember people are important, not just there for the experimentation of spiritual gifts or the exercising of an evangelistic ministry. I have to admit a while back when you got into healing, I would avoid asking you for prayer even when I needed it, partly through pride but also 'cause i thought you just saw me as another person to add to the list of deliverance stories. People must know that your genuine and that you pray for them because you love them, and want to see them healed with no ulterior motive. It's important at least with me for relationship building and trust. Also I like sharing scriptures but I don't respond well when it's used as a guilt or persuasion tactic. When people step into legalism tactics, or I sense ulterior motives or even when they're insensitive, I get a bit wary of them. that's just me. Just a few thoughts. Hope they're helpful.

This was something to a friend, which ended up being for me. An example of seeing the speck in your brother's eye and not noticing the log in your own.

I just go up there and God gives me strength. Sometimes I actually feel like another man when I'm in the midst of doing anything I believe is God oriented, which includes when I share raps, poems and sermons. But I always have to take the first step and do it. But I know it's not the adrenalin. It's God. He helps me and I'm thankful he does.

This was a kind of diary note on what happens when i'm asked to share something e.g at church or at a show.

Specific words from God to me

A word to me from God when I sought to hear him on a particular topic. It was given on the second day of a fast I had instituted for that purpose.

Who told you I wouldn't speak to you if you didn't fast? Didn't I say I'd be with you always? Why don't you believe me?

Random Resolution

I will not push people away but cherish their presence
  

Meditations Part 4.....

There's much in you

Clutching to comfort

And I'm watching you

Looking to converse

(Growth) That's God's work

Watching my God work

Cause the truth is

I know this is a lost world

And I want you to find him

I can't lie it's your soul I'm desiring

For the master cause your molded entirely

By his hands

And yes he knows you recline

Unsatisfied

You may talk bout the gash much

That you bash much

And speak rawness and slackness

But I got you

Like a hawk clocked you

And I realise

That you're more than you chat of

Your example's

Of someone secure

But deep in you wish

You could run with the pure

And though you want to change

What you've done

What you've thought

The dirt inside

Makes you run from the Lord

The lure

Of this world's so enticing

So your vybsing

In the club with a light skin friend

Knowing one day

Time will catch up with ya

But the lie spoken

Is God hasn't come to ya

That you'll follow him

When the light of the comforter

Shines in your eyesight

How are you trustin that

Time's in your hands

As you wait for a sign?

He says 'Come now'

While the day isn't night

You see the new age

New order

Illuminati

Come with the mark of the beast

Are you following?

Or acknowledging

It's the end of the days?

You may know but

Cuz are you saved?

It's a great blow

That many folks get knowledge of the most high

But they walk up to his throne

And they aint clothed

With forgiveness

In right standing

So they stand naked

Ashamed

Case closed

The way God works......

God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform........

- William Cowper

Had an interesting talk with a colleague of mine this week about the way God works.

Now, I was given a word from God almost two years ago concerning 'the hope of my calling'. That basically just means he spoke to me about what he wanted me to do in the future and 'in my interpretation' what I believed he didn't want me to do. Immediately I set off to fulfill that word and I've been riding the rollercoaster ever since.

Since that day in August/September 2010 I've

• Moved to London and back with a suitcase and not a penny to my name
• Been homeless (Go figure)
• At times lived on less than £7 a week
• Signed on and off JSA at least 5 times
• Changed church
• Been a salesman, an events organiser, a barber, a drop in volunteer, a personnel scanner (only one of which was a paying job)
• Jumped on a train to Oxford with a one way ticket, and got back safely (but with a fine)
• Lived with my parents, room surfed, in my own paid accommodation, in non paid accommodation, and in a Christian Community. 

Having just received a clearer understanding on what was meant by 'that word', with exception of me moving to London at the time when I did, I realise not one of the things I listed above needed to happen! I probably even could of moved to London in a better way.

One of the first questions I wondered was 'If God knew I was following the word which he'd given me in a mistaken way, and causing affliction for myself, why didn't he stop me? Why did he just allow me to carry on?

My colleague at work answered me before I'd even asked.
'Maybe God didn't make the word more clear at first because he knew there was something you had to learn through this process'. Maybe she was right.

It's hard to imagine how it is to be homeless unless you've been there, as it is also hard to relate with someone who's been on JSA, been unstable or gone through a variety of jobs unless you've been there too. God humbled me in many ways through this chapter of my life. Maybe I should have more compassion because of the things he's taken me through. Actually I know I should. After all, to identify with us was the reason why Jesus decided to live as he lived.

I was also caused to reach out to others for help because of my predicament. In this time I made major mistakes, had a spiritual breakdown, disobeyed God, got into deeper debt, all of which had recurring effects.

However, I probably would have never got involved with the Jesus Army had all this not happened, I probably would not have been able to chill with a homeless man and listen to what he's going through and relate. I probably would not have known the powerful effects of grace, nor would I have proved God and realised no matter what situation I find myself in, he doesn't leave me without a life line. He looks after his children, though he also lets them go through hardships so they can learn from them.

Where I am......

Thought I'd do an honest blog about my situation at the moment.

I've been feeling a bit restless. I don't think it's entirely justified, nor will I spiritualise it and say the Lord’s trying to tell me something. I acknowledge a good part of the issue is myself.

I'm quite a naturally independent person. I like being by myself, I like doing things by myself and often feel restricted when forced to stay in a group, always wanting to be free and quite often I'm only willing to be a part of a people when it's necessary. And that's my problem.

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I organised a Jazz night last year with help from quite a few others. In fact I couldn't have done it without the help of others. But by the end I seemed to think I'd done the majority alone (which wasn't true). It was just because I longed to be in control in every area just in case something went wrong, often hindering others from what I HAD asked them to do in the first place. Then onto the next event I was involved in. Because it was not my event and others had their roles, when the day of the event came I saw although I had tried to sort out everything, there were many things done on the day which would have failed unless I was working as part of a team. For the first time in a long while I realised I am one member in a body. Without them no matter how hard I worked, the programme would have failed.

This is my issue, my independence and my tendency to see myself as a lone ranger. And I need God to deal with that in me, otherwise life and his call will be very difficult for me. Without him doing this, I know I will never truly achieve his purpose for my life, nor my own personal goal, of learning how to love as he does. That's my prayer, that he deal with this issue thoroughly.

Half the time I sit with an increasing feeling of lack of purpose. I understand that there is a purpose for me. God has never let me down yet. He is always doing something in the background, even when I don't hear him speaking directly into my situation at any given moment. But at the moment it seems I'm just floating along. Now as a person I'm someone who likes to make things happen but I acknowledge it's not the time for doing that. The reason being I've done the being involved in program after program, getting very busy but not necessarily doing what the Lord is asking me to do. Not necessarily following his course for my life, but doing a lot of accolade bringing activity, but aimless activity as far as the Kingdom of God is involved. So I can do another Jazz night, but is the Lord calling me to do that at this time? I don't think so.

But though this is true, many like me choose to do what they feel is good with the thought, 'I could go with it just because I want to do something for God's kingdom and I'm a bit bored of sitting on my back side. Why not? God is on my side. He will anoint it because he's anointed me. It'll be a success and many will come into the kingdom through it'.

Today I learned God hates the proud, and presumptuous sins are a No No. So..............

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I'd rather wait and ask God what he wants me to do, even if he keeps me on my toes for quite a while. It's better than launching out with my agenda, my plans, my energy, my lusts and my desires. Didn't I hear him teach me to pray, 'Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven'. Sometimes I wonder, not just for myself but for many ministries out there, what would happen if we put down all our plans and structures and waited on God for what he wanted us to do? I believe if we did, his Kingdom would immediately start popping up all across the planet, and also his purposes for his people would begin to manifest themselves in greater measure on the earth.

But Patience. Another fruit of the Spirit I deeply desire God to birth in me (which I believe he will).

Just to finish with a quote from a feature on the Bakers (Heidi and Rolland) in Mozambique. I thought this was excellent!

"Their leadership drives Iris, but they cannot go on forever. Rolland is in his mid-60s, Heidi in her 50s. Sustainability ultimately depends on thousands of African pastors, alive with faith but virtually untrained, and hundreds of idealistic young Westerners who have experienced Pemba and are committed to serve anywhere. 'If the ministry is to be sustained, it will have to be by the power of the Holy Spirit', say the Bakers".

And so it is and will have to be true for that which God calls us to do….or it will fail sooner or later.