Thought I'd do an honest blog about my situation at the moment.
I've been feeling a bit restless. I don't think it's entirely justified, nor will I spiritualise it and say the Lord’s trying to tell me something. I acknowledge a good part of the issue is myself.
I'm quite a naturally independent person. I like being by myself, I like doing things by myself and often feel restricted when forced to stay in a group, always wanting to be free and quite often I'm only willing to be a part of a people when it's necessary. And that's my problem.
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I organised a Jazz night last year with help from quite a few others. In fact I couldn't have done it without the help of others. But by the end I seemed to think I'd done the majority alone (which wasn't true). It was just because I longed to be in control in every area just in case something went wrong, often hindering others from what I HAD asked them to do in the first place. Then onto the next event I was involved in. Because it was not my event and others had their roles, when the day of the event came I saw although I had tried to sort out everything, there were many things done on the day which would have failed unless I was working as part of a team. For the first time in a long while I realised I am one member in a body. Without them no matter how hard I worked, the programme would have failed.
This is my issue, my independence and my tendency to see myself as a lone ranger. And I need God to deal with that in me, otherwise life and his call will be very difficult for me. Without him doing this, I know I will never truly achieve his purpose for my life, nor my own personal goal, of learning how to love as he does. That's my prayer, that he deal with this issue thoroughly.
Half the time I sit with an increasing feeling of lack of purpose. I understand that there is a purpose for me. God has never let me down yet. He is always doing something in the background, even when I don't hear him speaking directly into my situation at any given moment. But at the moment it seems I'm just floating along. Now as a person I'm someone who likes to make things happen but I acknowledge it's not the time for doing that. The reason being I've done the being involved in program after program, getting very busy but not necessarily doing what the Lord is asking me to do. Not necessarily following his course for my life, but doing a lot of accolade bringing activity, but aimless activity as far as the Kingdom of God is involved. So I can do another Jazz night, but is the Lord calling me to do that at this time? I don't think so.
But though this is true, many like me choose to do what they feel is good with the thought, 'I could go with it just because I want to do something for God's kingdom and I'm a bit bored of sitting on my back side. Why not? God is on my side. He will anoint it because he's anointed me. It'll be a success and many will come into the kingdom through it'.
Today I learned God hates the proud, and presumptuous sins are a No No. So..............
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I'd rather wait and ask God what he wants me to do, even if he keeps me on my toes for quite a while. It's better than launching out with my agenda, my plans, my energy, my lusts and my desires. Didn't I hear him teach me to pray, 'Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven'. Sometimes I wonder, not just for myself but for many ministries out there, what would happen if we put down all our plans and structures and waited on God for what he wanted us to do? I believe if we did, his Kingdom would immediately start popping up all across the planet, and also his purposes for his people would begin to manifest themselves in greater measure on the earth.
But Patience. Another fruit of the Spirit I deeply desire God to birth in me (which I believe he will).
Just to finish with a quote from a feature on the Bakers (Heidi and Rolland) in Mozambique. I thought this was excellent!
"Their leadership drives Iris, but they cannot go on forever. Rolland is in his mid-60s, Heidi in her 50s. Sustainability ultimately depends on thousands of African pastors, alive with faith but virtually untrained, and hundreds of idealistic young Westerners who have experienced Pemba and are committed to serve anywhere. 'If the ministry is to be sustained, it will have to be by the power of the Holy Spirit', say the Bakers".
And so it is and will have to be true for that which God calls us to do….or it will fail sooner or later.
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