Looking forward...

I don't write the first line of a song. It's a mistake, because then you have to come up with the second one. If you write backwards from the chorus line, which is usually the hook, then you usually come up with it.
                                                     - Sting (from the Police)

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards....
                                                    - Steve Jobs


It's an interesting day. Today I'm looking to tomorrow, as tomorrow may be the start of the rest of my life.

A long time ago I wrote a blog about making the decision to say yes to God about celibacy.

For the past year or maybe two, I've been grappling with God about where my desires lie, having desires at times for marriage and at other times for singleness. Living in a world where marriage is the norm it isn't hard to see where my desires came from for the former. Coming from a background of a two parent home and seeing some of my really close friends enter stable relationships and marry during the past year, has inspired me to consider whether that may be my path.

Saying that, it's been a weird process. The thought of, 'how could God be leading me in that direction, when he so very clearly called me to take up celibacy years before' has continually played on my mind. I've had dreams where I've asked God 'Is this for a time', and the response was 'If you can believe, it can be for always'. I've known a peace as I've read scriptures about lifelong singleness and been ready in my heart to walk through such a commitment. Yet in all of this whenever I've sought to vow to a life of singleness, God has been clear in his leading that in terms of a vow of commitment, this is not the road he has for me.

Now I haven't been in a relationship for over 7 years. Sometimes I'm quite content and sometimes not. Throughout this time the only consistency has been God's grace. As with any other young man I've had times where hormones have increased and lust has become an unwanted friend. At times I've thought of pursuing a relationship with women close to me, and even at times others who were very attractive to me, though they had only appeared for a little time.

Sometimes singleness has seemed a burden, while at other times one of the greatest blessings. I remember going to a local park a few months back for a Jazz festival. As I sat back with no cares, just sweet Jazz in my ears and no need to run off anywhere I thought, 'I'm so glad I'm single right now, just to enjoy and bask in this'.

I admit it was a sweet feeling. But I had to realise deep down that life calls me to more than that.

It's nice to be single, not to have cares or responsibilities. But if that's the only reason we choose to be single we're missing something. The reason we're challenged to consider celibacy as a lifelong call is so we can be free to do the Lord's work, not to satisfy our own desires for unburdened freedom.

So now I'm looking to tomorrow. I don't know what tomorrow holds but I know God is in it. I don't know what to say about the past and how I feel about it but I know I have no regrets. For me, singleness was for a time.

A page has turned and it makes me smile. In the last few months God has shown me and others that something new is on the cards and I need to prepare for it. I feel released to move into a time of pursuit and it brings me great joy, especially as the one I'm looking at seems to have my heart, even before tomorrow has come.

What a thought...